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Tomorrow marks two months

July 8 my mom died.

it’s been surreal, unreal, intense, subtle …

the first several weeks, all i thought about was my mom.
completely obsessed.

i still think about her, but not every moment. life is starting to gain some routine, again.

she continues to be in my dreams.

i tend to keep busy, though i know i need to stop and grieve.

the tears came very easily in the days prior to Mom’s death and the first few weeks afterwards.

not true of the past few weeks. denial, busyness, distraction.

today is a day of tears pushing forth on my eyelids wanting release. my eyes burn; i must close them.

it’s still unfathomable that mom is dead.

d – e – a – d .

past tense.
scattered on the mountainside near my dad’s ashes.


she was mortal.
i was so wrong.
i thought she would live forever.
i really did. i still do.

i’m 42 years old, and i thought my mom would live forever.

all my life, my mom had more energy than anyone in the room.
as a young adult—at full height—i had to run to keep up with her walk.

she had a photographic memory.
she was extremely intuitive.

you couldn’t hide anything from her. she knew. she remembered.

she was only four feet eleven inches tall,
but she was a powerhouse. intensely passionate.

she filled a room with her presence.
it wasn’t always a loving presence.

she had high expectations.
she told you the brutal truth about yourself,
which was usually right on.

she didn’t tell you about her past truths …
yet she could be incredibly open about the most intimate parts of her present life.

she was a complex person, yet very predictable.

a true individual.
she did it—everything—her own way.

in the end, she was a loving, quiet person.
her impish persona shown through.
her mind divided by time, place, people.
it could be 1965, she was on a train talking to you about you as a baby. no reminicsing. you were a baby to her and weren’t in her presence. you, the person she was talking to, was someone else.

i miss her so much. i miss her so much.
why couldn’t she have warned me?
warned me she wasn’t immortal.
she tried, but i wouldn’t listen.
her physical and mental states faded,
but i wouldn’t accept the final breathe to come.

now she’s gone.
the world didn’t stop.
life continues on for me.


( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 8th, 2006 12:46 am (UTC)
I still dream about my mom, but not as often as I did when she first died. I can remember one of the Chinese ladies being SO happy I'd dreamt about Mom. She said that it was Mom talking to me again.
Sep. 9th, 2006 06:45 am (UTC)
The Chinese ladies ... you'll have to elaborate on them.

What they say seems really true to me. I feel my mom communicating to me in these dreams, even if the communication isn't direct.

When my dad died, there was some intense, direct communication. I was 19, afraid of the dark and terrified by the first dream of my dad. It was soooo real. The dream reoccurred the next night, and my dad told me it was him and that he was in heaven and not to be afraid. He said a lot of other stuff, but I believe I've mentioned it in past posts or will share it some other time when it's not so late.
Sep. 9th, 2006 03:57 pm (UTC)
oops, sorry. I'm so used to talking about them I figure everyone in the universe knows what I mean. I work with a lot of Chinese and Vietnamese ladies, and they have a lot of different beliefs that I find very interesting when they come up in conversations.
Sep. 8th, 2006 04:59 am (UTC)

theres a good post that i just posted in the last day or two called the morners bill of rights, if your looking for something to validate your feelings

Sep. 9th, 2006 06:47 am (UTC)
Thanks, Huggs'. I'm gonna look for that bill of rights!

The hospice team has given us sisters a ton of stuff to read, and it seems like one of the pieces had a "bill of rights" feel to it. It mentions all the feelings one may have. Very cool.
Sep. 9th, 2006 07:28 am (UTC)
im glad your finding something that validates your feelings and stuff. i know how that helps and what not.

Sep. 9th, 2006 07:01 am (UTC)
That Bill of Rights is a god send.

Thank you, Kirsten!!!
Sep. 9th, 2006 07:27 am (UTC)
Re: Awesome!
Sep. 9th, 2006 05:25 pm (UTC)
Sep. 9th, 2006 06:57 pm (UTC)
Big-hearted Candy.

I think of all the neat care packages you've sent our way -- including my mom's -- and get a big, big smile.

Thank you for being such a neat person!
( 10 comments — Leave a comment )

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